“It is not the mountain [hill, course, obstacle] we conquer but ourselves.” -Edmund Hillary
So often I hear people (women specifically) talk about being intimidated by a particular race, course, category, competitor, etc. "I don't want to make a fool of myself" is a common pre-race adage along with "I don't belong in this race/group/category". Who says? (Aside from UCI, USA Cycling, or some other governing body that has rules which categorize and separate people to manage competition and keep participants safe.) I'm not talking about a beginner rider racing in an elite field when she or he isn't ready to be there. I'm referring to those of us, myself included, who have what is commonly known as the impostor syndrome: constantly telling ourselves that we "don't belong" or "aren't good enough" to be participating/competing in a particular event. We have ALL been there at some point. The trick is not letting that little negative voice in our heads--our inner critic--completely convince us of what is most certainly NOT true.
I speak from experience as a sufferer of the impostor syndrome myself. In fact, for the majority of this cyclocross season and all of last year, I would tell myself that I didn't really belong in the UCI Pro/Elite races. Every time I rolled up to the start line (or even while warming up...ok, let's be honest, the whole 24 hours leading up to the event), my inner critic would start telling me that I wasn't good enough; I didn't belong in that type of race; I couldn't compete with women of such high caliper; I was just going to make a fool of myself; and so on and so forth.
"What if I finish last?" I would repeatedly say to Chris.
"So what?" he would reply. "At least you are out there trying. Think about all the other women who would kill to have this opportunity. Just do your best. That's all that matters."
"Yeah, but, what if I make a fool of myself?" I would retort.
"You won't. I'm proud of you no matter what." he would say.
Ugh! He's so rational and level-headed! But also so amazing and supportive <3
It's true, and it's what I find myself telling other athletes, other women, who say the same things. It's not about the result, the place, the points. It's about the experience, and the fact that we are all challenging ourselves--day after day, week after week--to reach our personal goals (whatever they may be). The reality is that we aren't really racing each other; we are racing ourselves. And once we recognize that, it's a game changer.
It look me approximately 2 years to realize this. After finishing 2nd in my Master's race at CX Nats 2017 (Hartford, CT) and upgrading to Cat 1, I decided that I wanted to raise the bar and start racing in the UCI field. I found a legit cyclocross coach (Crystal Anthony), convinced Vanderkitten and Entourage to support me, pieced together some sponsorships, and started training seriously for the following 'cross season.
Little did I know how much preparation (physical, mental, emotional) goes into racing at the Pro/Elite level. For all of the 2017 CX season, I fought and struggled to break into the Top 20 for a taste of what it was like to race with the "big girls" in the UCI events. Once, only once, I finished "in the money" (20th place at HPCX), and that was it. Then I went to CX Nats 2018 (round #1) in Reno, NV and competed in my Master's race, finishing 2nd (again) and finding myself right back where I was the year before. Don't get me wrong, it was a good season, but things hadn't worked out as planned...they never do. You know what I mean.
Going into this year, I was ready to raise the bar yet again and try my hand at racing a full UCI season. That's 10-15 Pro/Elite races over a 3-month period (September-November) which averages out to about 4 UCI races per month (or 1 a week). Basically, Chris and I planned to spend most of our fall traveling around the MidAtlantic, Northeast, and MidWest regions to various cyclocross races so that I could attempt to score ProCX points (finishing in the Top 20) and chase down some much coveted UCI points (finishing in the Top 10-15).* My goal was to either get enough ProCX points (approx. 30) over the course of the season to qualify for Elite CX Nats in Louisville this year OR snag at least 1 UCI point which would guaranteed me automatic entry. Talk about pressure!
The season started off strong at GO Cross in Roanoke, VA with a 22nd place finish on Day 1 and a 16th place finish on Day 2. Yes! 5 ProCX points! However, Rochester CX the next weekend didn't go so well with no Top 20 finishes on either days. Then it was on to Nittany CX in Breinigsville, PA with two, strong races back-to-back, finishing 20th on Day 1 and 15th on Day 2. Yay! More points!
Soon after that, though, it all seemed to go downhill. For about a month (maybe more), I trained my butt off and fought to place in the Top 20 again but to no avail. Week after week, Chris and I traveled to various UCI races (Trek CXC Cup in Waterloo, WI; Charm City CX in Baltimore, MD; DCCX in Washington, DC) in hopes of score some ProCX and/or UCI points. Nope, nope, and nope. After a DNF at Charm on Day 1, barely managing to finish on Day 2, and a DNS at DCCX the following week, I decided that something needed to give. I wasn't feeling good, my body was shutting down, and racing just wasn't enjoyable anymore. I'm making a fool of myself, week after week, I thought. What's the point?
Apparently, my body was trying to tell me something, and I wasn't listening. I went to the doctor, had some blood work done, got a glucose monitor, started tracking my nutrition and blood glucose levels, talked with my coach, and tried to figure out the problem. Little did I know that the "problem" had more to do with my mental attitude than anything else. Yes, it was important to get my nutrition and health on track (which I was actively doing); however, I didn't realize, at the time, that I wasn't psychological or emotionally "on track" either. Quite frankly, I was a mess. All the stress and pressure I was putting on myself to perform well and reach some arbitrary level that was defined by a finishing place in a 40-50 minute bike race was catching up to me. Too bad it took me a bit longer to figure all that out (like another 2-3 weeks).
I don't belong here. I'm not good enough. These were the thoughts going through my mind, again, as I prepared for HPCX the last weekend of October. My teammate, Ellie, had flown out from California to race with me and was hoping to finish in the Top 10 to score some UCI points. So was I, but my mind just wasn't in it. That weekend ended up being bittersweet: Ellie placed 9th on Day 1 and got her UCI point; I finished 14th and 16th which put me in the Top 20 (ProCX points!) but still out of the Top 10. UGH!
That next week after HPCX, I was in a very negative mood: Why can't I break into the Top 10? I thought. I'm training so hard and doing everything I'm supposed to be doing, but it just doesn't seem to be working. Luckily, both my coach and husband-to-be are smart, amazing, and supportive people who won't let me throw myself a pity party for too long.
"Maybe you should take some time off racing," Chris suggested.
Crystal agreed: "Just ride your bike, reflect, think about your goals, and wait until you want to race again."
So I did: I "took off" 2 weeks and didn't race; I thought about my season and what I wanted to achieve. My goal was to score enough points to qualify for the Pro/Elite race at CX Nats. And I was doing it...sort of...just not the way I had hoped or wanted. But that's life: nothing ever really goes as planned.
Enter SuperCross Cup in Suffern, New York: wind, snow, rain, mud, and frigid temperatures. It was cold and sloppy and miserable. Just the way I like it (LOL)! This is my jam, I thought. I do well in adverse situations when the weather is terrible and there's a lot of running (Think: CX Nats 2017 in Hartford). Ok, you can do this, I told myself. No negative thoughts. No inner critic. No pity party. No second-guessing myself. "Just go out there and race," said Chris. "Be smart," warned Crystal. "It will be a race of attrition. Be patient." (I'm so lucky to be surrounded by such smarty-pants people.)
Day 1: I had a strong start, moved up quickly, and found myself in a good spot (inside the Top 10) on the first lap. Oh my god! I'm doing it! I thought. I dropped back a few places on lap 2 and went into the pit for a bike exchange (usually a good idea in such conditions, but not on this day as my pit bike didn't like the mud). Coming around on lap 3 and in 13th place, I dropped my chain...again...and again...and again. There I was, standing on the side of the course, hands frozen, trying to get my chain back on, watching people pass by me. And just like that, my chances of finishing in the Top 10 were gone. Only a fleeting memory. Luckily, I was near the pit and able to go in for another bike exchange then pick off a couple spots to finish 18th on the day. So close, yet so far. But I had tasted the Kool-Aid and there was no going back. I knew that I could do it; it was just a matter of time.
Day 2: Another strong start. This time I found myself further up on the first lap (well inside the Top 10). Passing the pits, I heard Chris tell me that I was in a good position and to be patient. I tried to relax and focus on my race. It didn't matter what was going on around me or what anyone else was doing. The key was to look ahead, pick up my feet, pedal my bike, and stay relaxed. No mistakes. Coming around the end of lap 1, I heard my father and friend, Barbara, on the side of the course yelling: "You are in 10th place! There is a gap behind you." That was when I felt panic begin to set in and a nugget of negatively start to form in the back of my mind: You can't do this. You aren't good enough. You are going to blow up and make a fool of yourself. They are going to catch you. "STOP IT!" I told myself (I talk to myself a lot during races. Don't we all?). Stop it right now! You CAN do this and you WILL! Look, you ARE doing it. Just stay focused and quit complaining. Lap 2, still in 10th place. Lap 3, moved up to 9th. Lap 4, closing in on 8th place. Bell lap. When I heard the bell and looked back to see a gap, I knew that it was going to happen and it did: 9th place on the day...my first UCI Top 10! 2 UCI points baby!
Every time I came to the steep, muddy run-up and the woods section on the backside of the course, Bruce was there taking pictures and cheering. I will never forget hearing him say: "Come on Alex! You can do this! I know it hurts, but you got this!" Lap after lap, he reminded me that, yes, I could do it. Thank you, Bruce <3
Every time there is a shift, a breakthrough, one thing is replaced with another in order for necessary growth to take place. In nature, old plants and animals die so new ones can be born. In life, we have to fall down, fail, and sometimes hit "rock bottom" before we can see the right path to achieving our goals. For me, this year in cyclocross, I had to shed my negative thoughts and move past the impostor syndrome before I could see my own strengths and break into the UCI Top 10.
Talking to some kickass veteran women, I am reminded that everyone goes through this process in one way or another. Becca Fahringer (Kona Maxxis Shimano), who won Day 2 of SuperCross, stopped to chat with me for a bit after the race. "Everyone goes through it," she said in reference to the impostor syndrome and feeling "out of place" at Pro/Elite races. Another fellow racer, Stacey Barbossa (Colavita-Whole Foods Market Racing Team), who is a US Masters CX Champion, said that "things will be different from here on out" upon hearing that I'd finished in the Top 10. And Laura Van Gilder (Mello Mushroom/Van Dessel), cyclocross's winningest rider, reached out to congratulate me after my race: "I'm so incredibly happy for you!" she extolled. What an amazing community of people <3
Thank you to everyone who has supported me over the years and throughout this endeavor. Special thanks to Dave Verrecchia @ Vanderkitten, Wayne Forte (Daddio) @ Entourage, and my future hubby, Chris Howell. This crazy adventure wouldn't be possible without some kickass sponsors and partners. Check out my sponsors page for more info.
*ProCX and UCI points are used to rank riders both domestically and internationally based on the caliper of riders in the race. A racer receives ProCX points when finishing in the Top 20 of a UCI event. Racers receive UCI points when finishing in the Top 15 of a UCI C1 event and the Top 10 of a UCI C2 event. (2018 USAC ProCX Series Standings)